Tuesday's Gone

I have had a rough day. It was a slow day at work. Long....slow....day. Listening to my headphones helps pass the time. I like Pandora. I have approximately 50 different stations saved. Some Josh created, some Kaleb created but most of them are mine. My top stations are 80's Rock, 80's Dance, Fleetwood Mac and Too Short. Good Lord am I dating myself or what. To be honest the last few times I listened to the Too Short station I found myself blushing at the vulgarity. That's new.

After my dad died I created a Lynard Skynard station. Those last few days he was here we listened to his favorite old records on this old little record player my mom brought over. We listened to Skynard a lot. Tuesday's Gone, Simple Man, Sweet Home Alabama, Free Byrd. The day he died and it was just me and him and his wife Cara we put on the album and Cara and I together cleaned his face and put one of his bandana's on his head as his beautiful blue eyes stared back at us. Choking through our tears we told him how much we loved him. I could never put into words how difficult those moments were. It was our last physical connection with him. Tuesday's Gone was playing in the background.

At his service we chose Simple Man as the song to play during the memorial. It was then when it was played that even those who had managed to hold their tears let themselves succomb to their grief. To say the least these songs will never be the same. They will forever carry such a huge significance in my life. After the service was over and I had to go back to work and get back to my everyday life I grasped desperately (and still do) to find a way to think about him, to connect with him, to see him in mundane everything things, to conjur memories of him.....just to keep him alive in my memories. I pray that he will be in my dreams so I can see his face and hear his voice. I would stop and caress the box that held his ashes. Talk to the box as if I was talking to him. I could never have imagined behaving this way. One day in my car after we went to a doctor's appointment he found this glass bead necklace in my car and hung it on my rear view mirror. It swings like crazy when I am driving, clangs around a lot. It is not an ideal mirror accessory. But I won't take it down. He hung it there and there it will stay until I no longer have that car. I look at it, touch it all the time to feel close to him. I got in my car on Sunday and got just down the street and realized it was gone. I honestly had the most intense moment of sheer panic that it was gone. Stolen somehow....gone forever. I had to stop the car. It was in the console. Josh had drove my car the night before and must have taken it down. It drives him crazy. I was so relieved to find it. One of the quickest, most intense emotional roller coasters I have ever been on.

So today at my long and slow day at work I listened to that Lynard Skynard station. It really is a good station. It plays lots of Johnny Cash, Zepplin, and other classic rock. Most days lately I can hold back my tears when I am feeling sad about him. I still feel the sadness, deep in my chest. But I don't always cry. I find myself feeling guilty that I am not crying about him as often. But today, for some reason I cried. A lot. A live version of Tuesday's Gone came on and I fucking lost it. I had to get up and close my office door so no one would hear me. After the song was over I pulled myself together and re-opened my door and went on with my day. But a cloud has been hanging over my head since. I have been thinking about him all day, replaying different moments of him in my head. For some reason today I was focusing on a lot of the bad moments. Made for a pretty shitty day.

Train roll on, on down the line,
Won't you please take me far away?
Now I feel the wind blow outside my door,
Means I'm, I'm leaving my woman at home.
Tuesday's gone with the wind.
My baby's gone with the wind again.

And I don't know where I'm going.
I just want to be left alone.
Well, when this train ends I'll try again,
But I'm leaving my woman at home.

Tuesday's gone with the wind.
Tuesday's gone with the wind.
Tuesday's gone with the wind.
My baby's gone with the wind.

Train roll on
Tuesday's gone

Train roll on many miles from my home,
See, I'm riding my blues away.
Tuesday, you see, she had to be free
But somehow I've got to carry on.

Tuesday's gone with the wind.
Tuesday's gone with the wind.
Tuesday's gone with the wind.
My baby's gone with the wind. 

 

These Days

It seems like the last few times I wrote I started off talking about how long it has been since I wrote last. This time it has been 9 months. 9 months! A lot has happened in my life in 9 months.

In July we sold our house. We lived in that house for 11 years. We brought both our babies home to that house, experienced every wonderful, hard, terrible and amazing thing that came with parenthood. We spent our wedding night in that house and it was there where we lived out the wonderful, hard, terrible and amazing things that came with marriage. We spent a lot of blood, sweat and tears and MONEY making that house be what we wanted it to be. It was our HOME. Letting it go was difficult. The day we moved and the house was completely empty I spent several minutes walking though it room by room, saying goodbye. I know it was just a house but it held so many memories. I was getting exactly what I wanted by moving but it was bittersweet. We bought a new house in a new town. Not too far but just far enough. The house is beautiful and wonderful and spacious. We can have big family dinners and birthday parties and host holidays. I can be in the kitchen and still be with all of my family because of the open floor plan. I have a pantry to put our food in instead of a shelf in the garage to hold my can goods. It is pretty awesome. It took awhile but it does feel like 'home' now.

On September 13th my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He went into the ER with pain and the next thing you know he had terminal cancer. That day my world was flipped upside down. I have actually attempted to write about it 3 times before this but just couldn't get the words out. How to you put into words that kind of emotion, fear, pain, grief? I was trying to fit what would have taken a million words into 400. Impossible. I couldn't collect my thoughts long enough to string together a paragraph that made any sense. Watching someone you love so much go through something so emotionally and physically painful is fucking horrible. I sat in the oncologist's office with him as he heard his fate. No chance of survival.......we could try chemo but.......30% chance of living for a year........you will be in pain.......you will stop eating.......you will lose weight.....you will die. Those next few weeks were so incredibly rough. The emotional grief he must have had. Mine was overwhelming. He must have been drowning in his. I spent all of the time I could with him. I needed to, I wanted to. I wish I could have done more. At this point just being there for him and doing what I could to make his remaining time as good as I could was all I could do. I felt pretty helpless really. Every time I saw him he was thinner, looked older, was more miserable. That miserable bitch cancer was eating him alive and doing it quickly. I was overcome with sadness, with guilt. All I could think about was how I should have saw him more, called him more, helped him more.

He died on January 17th at about 5 am. He was just 57 years old and just 4 months and 3 days from the day he was diagnosed.  I wasn't there. I had been with him the night before until about 9 pm. We knew it would be soon but I never thought it would be that night. If I did I would have stayed all night. I would have held his hand and told him how much I loved him and I would have kissed his face and told him it was okay to let go. I wish I would have been there. I did go to him, tell him goodbye, kiss him, hold his hand, tell him that I loved him, said goodbye.  I hope that wherever his spirit is he could hear me.

We had his memorial service the next Saturday. It was a beautiful, sunny and unseasonable warm day. The place was packed with so many people who came to say goodbye and to support us. It was amazing and so heartwarming. He was so very loved and I don't think he really know just how much. It has been 40 days since he has been gone and there has not been one day I haven't shed a tear or 1000 thinking of him. Today my baby sister posted a short video of him on Facebook. Just seeing him and hearing his voice made it feel like day 1 all over again. I miss him so much. It is so surreal to have someone here one minute and gone forever the next. It is just not fair. He is the first person close to me I have lost. It has changed me forever. I will never be the same.

I started a new job on Monday. It is a good change. I liked my other job, the people too. It just didn't feel like the right place for me. This new job, new place feels right. I am thankful for that. Happy for that. It feels good to be happy about something. It feels like a fresh start after so much turmoil and that is so needed so much.

I placed this picture of my dad on my new desk. I get to look over and see his smiling face all day long. It makes me smile. It was taken in October at my house. My sister Rachel was in town from California and we were having an early Thanksgiving. It amazes me to this day how he could be going through what he was going through and able to have this genuine and wonderful smile on his face. I miss you daddy.

 

Hallaluyer!

Hello there! Good lord it has been like 5 months since this blog has seen any action.  But I think about it everyday like one might think about a person they miss or that cheeseburger they have deprived themselves of for months. I love this blog.....not only because I seriously just enjoy getting my thoughts out but I love to go back and read what I wrote those months or years ago. It really gives me perspective on how things change. When living daily life most changes are gradual and not necessarily noticed. And the time just flies by. There is nothing like going back and reading something that felt like it was a few months ago and seeing the date I wrote it and realizing it was much longer and how much things really change without you even noticing.

For example.....I have been at my job for a year now. Seems more like 6 months. I have never worked harder, never worked longer or been more challenged. Or dedicated. Or confident. Or care so much about where my career is going and thought about what my next step will be. Heads up folks....this is what happens when you have great management. Weird right? When you get treated with compassion, trust, and know that you are valued... you care. You want to be a bad ass bitch at your job. I have spoken of my previous employment woes. Quite a rollercoaster I have been on. But there is so much light in my tunnel. Sure the first few months were a little overwhelming but things are going well and I feel very positive about my future.....and it feels really great. Things have changed.

Kaleb is officially a 5th grader and Lilah is in Pre-K. What the hell? They are growing up and I am getting older. Boo to both. They are still the best little munchkins ever, cute as hell and both growing more and more into their personalities. I super puffy heart love them. Even when they are rotten little punks.

We are selling our house and movin on up!! That is exciting and scary and a lot of damn work! Our real estate agent is coming over tomorrow at 5 and my house is a wreck. Was going to clean it tonight but......she will see the potential under the mess right? I had a sicky kid today and I worked from home. There is nothing like sitting on your couch for 10 hours straight on limited sleep that makes you really lazy. I didn't even make dinner. We had Wendys. And I went to get it in pajama pants and a tank top with no bra. I have not combed my hair today either. Yikes.  I was a damn mess. Hey...I didn't have to get out of the car.

It is already 10:30....I need to go to bed. 5 am comes too early and I need my beauty rest. All that I can get. I promised myself I am going to write more...I always say that don't I? Well school is out and we have NO summer activities. Hallaluyer!!! I should have some time and sanity to spare.

Be Careful What You Wish For

Yesterday I got up at 5 am-ish and took a shower. I found something in my closet to wear to work. I really need some new work clothes. I don't have many warm sweaters and no shoes suitable for this shit weather we are having. Not to mention I have been wearing the same clothes over and over since I started my job last May. I need some new clothes. I blew dry my hair and put on some make-up. It is already 6:20. I need to get the kids up and ready. Kaleb gets himself ready now. He just needs some coaxing. He is soooooooo slow. I usually have Lilah dressed and her hair done and he will come walking in half dressed to go to the bathroom. How long does it take to put on a pair of jeans and a shirt? Well, it takes him 20 minutes. I think he sits on his bed in sleepy haze. He never gets out of his bed to get dressed. He prefers to get undressed and then dressed while in a sitting/laying position. No matter how many times I tell him it will be faster if he stands up he never stands up. I get breakfast served, lunches made, coffee made, kids bundled up and out the door by 7:00. I would like to be at work by 7:30 so I can get off by 4:00 but never happens. Everyday I underestimate the time it takes to get out the door. I never get up earlier of do things differently. My work schedule is flexible and I think because of that there is no fire burning under my ass to move any quicker. It is nice though. No rushing around, no yelling at the kids because we are running late and they are taking too long or Lilah can't make up her mind what she is taking for show and tell. In my prior job there was no wiggle room in my start time. Mornings around here were much more chaotic. I was yelling a lot and usually feeling like a horrible mom and a nervous mess. Mornings are better now, so much better.

I drive the kids to daycare, get Lilah's coat off and hung, take the kids to the drop off class, chat with the teacher, give lots of kisses and hugs and off I go. I always have to drive by the window on my way out of the parking lot and stop to roll down my window, turn on the inside light and wave to Lilah. She waves and smiles and blows me kisses. I keep those kisses in my pocket for later. They help get me through my day. I then drive off to work. It is about a 20 minute drive with the traffic. Not too bad really. Sometimes traffic is bad. Most of the time it isn't. I get to work, and park in the parking garage. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have to walk 5 minutes from my car to the door of my building. It isn't bad except when we have extreme weather. Do you know how thin dress pants are? Yikes. I really need to invest in a good, longer coat. This $15 jobber from KMart I have is just not doing the job. I get to my desk and my work day begins. I am busy, always really busy. I like to be busy. Most of the time though I feel like I have so much to do that I can't ever get caught up or get ahead of things or focus on things I need to do outside my daily scope of work. It can be a little frustrating. It makes me feel panicky. Like my messy house makes me feel panicky. Like when my house is super low on groceries makes me feel panicky. Like when I have a list of to do's longer than me and I know I will never get it all done makes me feel panicky. I am just a panicky person. Full of anxiety all of the time. It is 4:15 all of a sudden and I have to get out of there. Lilah has to be at dance at 5:30. By the time I get out of there and to my car it is 4:30. I get to daycare around 4:50. I corral the kids get them in the car, and we chat all of the way home about what they did at school that day, how hungry they are, what we have going on that evening. It only takes a few minutes to get home. Had we made it home yesterday I would have rushed Lilah into her dance wear, drove her to dance, ran to Walmart to pick up groceries, go back to dance to pick up Lilah, go home and put away groceries, made something for dinner, cleaned up the mess, do a load of laundry and put the kids to bed. I would have went to bed when they did. I don't even care about having some time to myself. I am just exhausted from my day.

But we didn't make it home. After picking up the kids from daycare and about a half mile from home we got in a car accident. Anyone reading this probably already knows this and saw the pictures on FB. It sucks. It was the first accident my kids were ever in and I hate that they can know say they were in an accident. It wasn't my fault but that doesn't make me feel any less guilty. Kaleb handled it well but I know he was scared. Lilah cried and cried and cried. She was checked out by a fireman (a strange man to her) and was asked a bunch of questions about if she hurt anywhere and how old she was and what her name was. It was scary for her. I couldn't get her out of her carseat. I couldn't hold her. I could only tell her it was going to be okay. I couldn't stay by her side either. I had to deal with the police and the other driver. I called Josh. He got there fast. He got the kids out of my car and put them in his warm truck. It was cold! My toes were freezing! My car is really messed up. The other driver was in a Cadillac. He was able to drive away. I had to get towed. The front end is all smashed up and the doors will barely open. Makes me think it is all bent up underneath since the doors were not really involved. We took everything out just in case. I had so much crap in my car!! Toys and blankets and shoes and worksheets and gloves and scarves and books and so much other random stuff. I am anxious to see what my insurance adjuster says. I really hope that my insurance doesn't have to pay anything since it wasn't my fault. Wish me luck!

Moral of this story you ask? Wear your seatbelts, don't be a dumbass and please properly restrain your kids. I did those things..... if I hadn't this story might have been a lot more tragic. For a few minutes last night all four of us cuddled up together on the couch silently appreciating that we were all okay. I spend most of my days moving from one responsibility to the next. I often am guilty of dreading things I have to do or whining about how busy I am and how I just want some time to relax. Well, I am relaxing today. Be careful what you wish for. ;)

 

It's Alarming

It is early Saturday morning. I was woken by an alarm set on Josh's work phone. It is one of those Nextel type ones and looks like it is straight out of 1999. It has a tiny little screen and a bunch of buttons. I haven't operated a phone like this in years. He doesn't hear the alarm. I had to pick him up at 1:45 am.... he was walking home from the bar. His ride wasn't ready to go but apparently he was. He wasn't wearing a coat, or gloves or nothing. Just a hoodie. When he got in the car he said only his hands were cold. I wonder if Eskimos drank a lot? Alcohol does have a nice warming effect. Anyways....back to this damn alarm. I get out of bed, walk over to his side and grab the phone. By the time I pick it up the alarm has stopped. I put it back down and go back to bed. 5 minutes later the damn alarm goes off again. Seriously? I get up, grab the phone and take it back to my side trying to figure out how to turn the fucking thing off. Who sets an alarm for 6:30 am on a Saturday? It stops again. Whatever. I put it down next on my table and try to go back to sleep. Guess what happens.

Alarm. Again. This time I am just going to turn the phone off. There are so many buttons. It is dark and I am half asleep. I am trying to access those long ago memories in my brain about how to work this pre-historic like phone. There is a red button on the side. This must be it. Nope. Shit. I have just called someone. Not ring ring ring call but beep beep, someone is on the other end and talking to me through the speaker. Shit. I don't know how to talk back to tell him that I am an idiot and sorry I called you at 6:30 in the morning. As I panic trying to turn this damn phone off this co-worker of Josh's keeps saying..."Go ahead". Jesus I hope he was out working and not sleeping. I finally find the button with the picture of the red phone receiver. Ding ding ding. I push the button, get the phone off and lay back down. (I by that point was in the bathroom with the light on so I could see). I am not sure I am even tired anymore. I lay there anyway and cuddle with Lilah. She slept in her bed all night on Wednesday. It was her idea. I was super proud. I haven't pushed the sleeping in her own bed because honestly, I like her in my bed. Like I mentioned in my last post, she is growing up way too quickly and once its over, its over. It was hard for me to just be a cheerleader about it and not tell her how much I missed her snuggles. If I said that she would feel guilty and keep sleeping with me. I know her. She wouldn't want me to be sad. On Thursday she was determined to sleep in there again. Started off good, got her all tucked in, she picked several snuggle bunnies to sleep with her. I turned on Disney Jr. and left her lamp on. About 5 minutes in she needed to pee, needed a drink and then just like that was scared of her room. Is it wrong that I was a tiny bit happy she wanted to get in our bed? I can see all of you Nazi parents out there shaking your heads at my lax parenting techniques. It seems lately with the total domination of the internet there are so many opinions out there. Everyone thinks they know what is the best way to raise your kids. You raise your kids and I'll raise mine. If she is 10 and still in my bed that is my business. Go fuck yourself. (Man I am a bit vulgar this early sleep deprived morning. I recently heard from someone that never curses that people who do curse only do so because they are not intelligent enough to use real words. Bullshit.) So anyways,  I am in snuggle mode with my sleeping beauty and guess what happens? That fucking alarm goes off again. I thought the stupid phone was off. Whatever I did to it this time finally killed the alarm because it hasn't gone off since. I gave up on sleeping. I got up, made some coffee and am now sitting on the couch with my laptop enjoying the quiet and peace of a sleeping house. We have to be at the bowling alley in an hour. I need to get everybody up, ready and fed and out the door. I don't wanna!!!

 

6 Months....Really?!?!

Hello there! It has been more than 6 months since I have posted on this blog. I have written about 100 stories in my head, usually while driving home from work. Why is it that when I am alone driving in my car is when my best ideas come to life? I figure it is because I am ALONE! The only time I am alone is in my car driving to work and driving home. I usually have the radio blasting listening to anything but the pop stations my kids love. I don't hate it but it is just nice to listen to something else for a change. Although I think it is the cutest thing listen to Lilah butcher the words to her favorite songs.

It is Saturday morning. Usually by this time we are at bowling, Kaleb bowls in a kids Saturday morning league. He is pretty good and getting better every week. Today was supposed to be awards and cosmic bowling but he has been with grandma since Thursday night and is having a good time and wasn't ready to come home yet. The new season starts next Saturday. No break! Seriously? So when he said he didn't care if he missed today I was totally ok with it. I never get to just hang out on Saturday mornings in my jammies. Josh is still sleeping and Lilah is playing with all her Christmas presents and watching Enchanted at my feet. She doesn't like to be very far away from me when we are home. It is sweet and after seeing my Kaleb grow up so fast I know that as irritating as having a child be your shadow that it is so sad when that time they think you are their everything is over. Kaleb is 10 and he will no longer kiss me on the lips and gives me the head first hug as not to get to close to him. He is busy with learning and exerting his independence. He is so smart and handsome and I can see him and changing and maturing right before my eyes. It is amazing and heartbreaking at the same time. No way can my sweet little baby boy be growing up so fast!

And Lilah. I am so in love with her. Her sweetness and beauty just crushes me. Her love is so sincere and so intense. She is not afraid to express her feelings. She makes me so happy and everyone else around her so happy. I wish she could stay 3 forever.

This year like the last few flew by. It is true what they say about time flying. Time seems to be a short commodity in my life right now. It is the working mothers plight. Never enough time. I work, I commute, I corral my children to their many activities, I try in vain most times to keep my home in good working order. I wish I could quit caring about the state of my house. But I can't. It drives me batshit crazy. It is a perpetual disaster, always seems to be low on groceries and there are piles upon piles of laundry that need done at all times. Who needs clean towels? Who wants Taco Bell for dinner? Here...use a paper plate. I, on many occasions try to plan and organize my life to run more efficiently. It is always in good faith that I do this. In my head I am a machine. A person capable of doing it all and doing it well. In reality I am a machine....just one that is usually a bit short on oil and gas and in desperate need of  tune up. I amaze myself sometimes at the amount of shit I am able to get done. And that my sanity is still mostly intact at the end of everyday. But I am also my own worst critic. My house needs to be cleaner, my kids need to eat better, I need to lose weight, my hair needs colored, I need to quit biting my nails and get some better clothes. I could save so much money if I would just go the store and find some time to cook on that one night in the week I am not carting my kids to basketball, dance and karate........blah blah blah. My inner self is always fighting with itself. "You need to get it together"....."Bitch re-laaaax!". I am really hoping to find a happy medium soon! :)

As the year come to a close I have been thinking about what a great year it has been. My family has been happy and healthy, I got a new awesome job and FINALLY have permanently cut ties with the company that caused me so much misery. We got to go on a real family vacation to 2 places I didn't think we would ever afford to go to, Disneyworld and the beach. I am really pissed at myself for not taking the time to write about our trip after we got home. It was a great vacation and a huge event in our family. Maybe I should still write about it before it becomes just a distant memory. We have the photos but how nice would it be for us to be able to go back years from now and hear the little details in my voice. I think about this blog and how years from now we can all go back and read it and remember things about our life that we might have forgotten. For my kids to know how I felt and get a glimpse of who I was when I was younger. It really is just a great way to document our life together.

So of course because I am neurotic I have a million resolutions for the 2014. Most of them are the same ones I have every year but in summary they are all the same....just to keep improving and growing and doing things a little bit better. And to write more!!! Once in 6 months is just not acceptable. See you in 2014!!!! To it being a fabulous year for all! Cheers!

 

I Got Nothing

I really want to write something funny or interesting but I got nothing. I am pretty sure that I write the best posts ever in my head on my drive home from work. It's a long drive. I find myself here tonight with some of that rare stuff called "time" on my hands. Not because I have just done all that I need to do and find myself bored but more like......fuck all that shit, ain't doing it.

I just sent Kaleb for 5 days with his grandpa. They are driving up to Chicago tomorrow to visit family and have some fun. Wish I was going. I didn't want to let him go. He wanted to go so bad and I didn't want to crush him. It's the first time I have let him go anywhere like that without me or Josh. I trust grandpa explicitly but he's my baby! And I am a nervous, anxiety filled crazy who spends a great part of each day thinking of all of the worst possible things that can happen in any given situation. I am a psycho. I told him I was going to clean his room while he was gone and throw away all of his crap. I know...mean. I really am going to go in there and clean out a bunch of shit. It's hard to do when they are there. Why do they always seem to grow an attachment to something they haven't seen or touched in 2 years? "But Mom, I love that thing!".  I won't get rid of anything he cares about. I guess. He will be back Monday and then starts school on Wednesday. Is it me or did this summer fly by? I guess they all do.

Lilah is crazy as ever. And cuter than ever. She counted in Japanese tonight. I was seriously amazed. I was loading the dishwasher (glamorous I know) and she twirling around in the kitchen just counting away. She picked it up in Kaleb's karate class. Kaleb can't do it and he is the one who is supposed to be learning it. It drives me crazy because when you try to quiz her about things you know she knows or think she should know she always says "I don't know". She knows. She just refuses to do anything on demand. She is so obstinate. If she doesn't want to do something she isn't gonna do it. But if she wants something be prepared to see her go into psycho Lilah mode until she gets what she wants or cries so long she forgot what she wanted. She cried and whined for 40 minutes one night because I wouldn't stop on the way home from daycare to get her a drink at the gas station. Somebody had a drink that night and it wasn't her!

Well, I must go for now but I leave you with some random little bits that if I was genius enough I would have written myself.

 

Chicken nuggets are a food group.....Right?

So I have been busy lately. Like stupid busy. The kind of busy that I loathe. The kind of busy that makes my couch a distant memory. And I love my couch! This new job is demanding. It is demanding mentally, by workload and by time. I am working longer and I am working later. It is stressing me out! I am finding that going from being a big fish in a little pond to being a minnow in a vast ocean to be taxing, overwhelming, pushing me closer to that Xanax prescription I am always talking about getting. It's tough being the new kid on the block. I found 2 gray hairs today. W.T.F!? At the same time......and I know I am gonna sound like a mental patient after all the bitching I just did......but I LOVE my job. I love my boss and my new co-workers. I love that I am treated like an adult and given freedom and flexibility. I love that there is no D-R-A-M-A. I love that when I walk out for lunch I am not verbally assaulted by a bum or in fear of being shanked by a mental patient (yeah that was an issue at the old place)! I know that I will get the hang of it. I know that I will be awesome at the job. Just having some growing pains.

Lilah had dance tonight at 5:30. I was supposed to leave work at 4:00 but could not get out of there earlier than 4:30. I really needed to stay later but I had to get her to dance. I drove 30 minutes to daycare (traffic sucks), get both the kids in the car by 5:10. Drive through Mc'ds' since both kids are "starving to death", get to dance, get Lilah's dance clothes on in the back of the car and get her in class just in time. Class is an hour long. By the time we get home it is close to 7. Thank god we have already had Mc'd's. I swear I have not served a proper meal in my house in a month! I really need to get it together. Last night I did serve some baked chicken (cooked last Tuesday to save my thawed chicken from rotting) and some cooked carrots and applesauce. That felt like quite an accomplishment since Spaghettios, hot dogs, chicken nuggets, pop tarts and fast food have been on the menu of late. If they put you in parenting jail for feeding your kids nothing but non nutritious food I would be serving life. I am not proud of that one. I have got to get my head out of my ass. This sure is the total opposite of last summer. I cooked everyday and spent every waking minute with my kids. That was the life. Really. It definitely beats feeling like a hamster in a never stopping spinning wheel.

I have dishes in the sink, laundry to fold, bills to pay, and everywhere I look is a disaster. But wait a minute....Lilah NEEDS her nails painted. She actually holds her hands up and says to me, "Mom, look at these nails. They are driving me craaaaazy!" This child. Such a little diva. I don't want to paint her nails. I have shit to do...like sit on the couch and enjoy the hour of evening I have left. But the look on her face when I told her no. I don't like to break my baby's heart. So I painted her nails.... and her toenails. See you can't do one without the other right? She actually refused to put on the shoes I told her to wear the other day because they didn't match her purse. What? Who's kid is this? Certainly not mine. I could care less about shit like that. She was born high maintenance. Instead of a college fund I am going to start a "But Mommy I NEEEEEEED this fund". She's gonna break me.

Well I gotta go for now. It is past 9 and the little one needs to go to bed. She won't go to bed without me. That's right. I am a bedtime prisoner.

But I do love the snuggles. :)

Look how great these look! Bahahahaha! She said that the colors go together like 'best friends'. How freaking cute is that?

What Whats and Haircuts

What's up people? Not much in my world except that I GOT A NEW JOB! Holla...whoopty woop....what what!! LOL. Seriously though......YES! I am really excited it. Today was my last day at my current job and I wasn't even a little sad to leave. There is just something about the place that oozes bad juju for me. I went through a lot of BS and heartbreak in that building and if it wasn't for the fact that I was breaking in new shoes and my feet hurt like a bitch I might have actually ran out of the building. Now I am sad that I won't be seeing some of my work friends daily but I know that this isn't the end of the friendships we have. Now we will just have more of a reason to get together outside of work.  So now on to bigger and better things! I hate the saying that "Everything happens for a reason" because when you hear it is usually after something shitty happens in your life. However, my life has been a testament to that. Sometimes it is just hard to see when you are waiting for the good to come from the bad.

I am really excited about my new job, the company, the position, the benefits all of it! One tiny drawback is that it is in Overland Park and I will now have to battle traffic and never ending road construction. What is it about Johnson County traffic? I have hated it my whole life and now for the first time in my life I have to drive in it daily. I think I am just spoiled as traffic in the Dotte is non existent. One complaint though...what the hell is up with the construction on State Avenue. At any given time there are a total of 3 people working on it in a 5 mile stretch. At this rate it will be done somewhere around the time Kaleb graduates high school!

Speaking of my handsome ass kid did you see his hair?!?!? He cut it ALL off. It was becoming quite an issue with the two of us. He was not washing it or combing it properly and I was so sick of it. Trying to brush it out was a disaster and either one or the both of us ended up in tears. So I demanded a hair cut. I told him he didn't have to cut it all off but that it needed a "trim" at least. ;) After much deliberation and a look at some haircut books HE decided to go super short. I was shocked and really a little sad. His hair has been long for so long that I was scared that he would regret it and be sad. I was pretty emotional when it was being cut but once I saw that I would be able to see 100% of his beautiful face again I was thrilled. He now reminds me of the little boy I used to have all those years ago except in a way too big body. I am not at all happy with the rate in which he is growing up on me. He just finished the 3rd grade last week. Damn it. BTW I swear his personality changed instantly with the haircut. He seemed more outgoing, more confident. He was eating up all of the attention he was getting too! I put a picture of him on FB that night and he was very pleased that it got over 30 comments. His teacher told me that it was a really big deal the next day at school too and caused quite a ruckus that morning in class.  (Ruckus...what am I...90?) Love this kid! So damn much. 

Before 

Getting ready to chop it off!

Our hair for Locks of Love (that I forgot at the salon :()

We're getting there

Holy Crap...he is a new kid!

Losing It

I have seriously become one of those people who cannot function without a large cup of coffee every morning. It doesn't matter how much sleep I have had or if it is Sunday and my main objective is to lay on the couch and watch TV all day. I need coffee! Josh bought me Keurig for Christmas and it very quickly became my favorite and most used small kitchen appliance. I am currently hooked on the Dunkin Donuts Coconut coffee with Coffeemate Coconut Cream creamer. It is seriously the tits. Anything coconut makes me think of some tropical paradise with white sandy beaches, crystal clear water and hot cabana boys who bring a never ending supply of cocktails and give free shoulder massages. I wish. I so fucking wish.

I have been super stressing about my job situation. I don't know why. It is what it is. I have to find a new job. Sucks. I started working on my resume and found a few jobs that I want to apply for. The thought of going through interviews and starting somewhere new and going through training and working different hours and spending half my life commuting just sounds like hell. My current job is a short drive, offers fantastic hours and I seriously rock my position. Losing all of that makes me sad. And mad. There is a possibility that a job will open there in a different department but I am not holding my breath, nor am I sure that I want to go that route. I am thinking that this is my sign telling me to get out and get out now. I got out before and was never happier. I had some serious second thoughts about going back to the madness and turns out my instincts were pretty right on. Why prolong the inevitable?

The stress is really messing with my brain. I am always a bit scatterbrained but this week was out of control. On Monday nights Lilah has dance at 5:30. I get home about 4:15 with the kids and have to get  everyone fed and her ready and us out the door by 5:15. It is totally manageable if I have the sense to be prepared for it. This Monday I was unprepared. I had nothing planned for dinner, nothing quick and easy to make. Shit. Who wants Wendy's? I get everyones order, get Lilah in the car (she has to go EVERYWHERE I go) and head to Wendy's. I get to the drive thru, order our food and pull up to the window. OMFG I don't have my purse! How the hell did I forget my damn purse? Sorry Wendy's dude but I forgot my purse and have NO money. So I have to go back home and tell Josh I forgot my purse. This is embarrassing for me. He gives me a lot of shit when I do one of my scatterbrained things. So I leave Lilah in the car and go back in for Burger King orders. I am not going back to Wendy's. I was embarrassed and I was afraid they would try to give me the food they already made for me and it would be gross by the time I got it home. Josh shakes his head, gives me his order and back out the door I go. By this time it is about 4:40. Lilah and I are not going to have much time to eat but oh well. I get to Burger King, hit the drive thru, place my order and drive forward. there are 2 cars ahead of me. I reach over to the passenger seat to grab the wallet out of my purse only to discover that I DON"T HAVE MY FUCKING PURSE! Seriously!?!?!?!?! I went home to get my purse and well.....didn't get my purse. Now embarrassment has turned to shame. What the fuck is wrong with me? Do I have early onset Alzheimer's Disease? Is the dementia setting in early? I am out of time. There is no way I can get home, get my purse, get some food, get Lilah fed and ready and get to dance on time. Fuck it I am done.

The worse part you ask? I had to go back home empty handed and tell Josh that I forgot my purse again. Of course he thinks I am crazier than a bag of wet cats. I walk in the front door and he says, "Where's the food?". I say "There is no food. If you want some food get up and get it yourself!". Because you know it is totally his fault that I forgot my purse twice. And how dare you think that I am solely responsible for providing food for the entire family at every single meal time and don't you know how much fucking stress I am under? I have to work and do laundry and buy groceries and make dinner and pay bills and clean this house and find a new job and be a mother to two kids. "Eat a fucking corndog!". :) I wasn't nice. It wasn't his fault. Kids ate a corndog and I took Lilah to dance. I eventually calmed down and got over it. We even finally got some food. 3rd times a charm!

Dear Amy

The past few days have been pretty shittastic. First I get a bomb dropped on me Friday and the next day get taken down hard by strep. That fucking strep loves me. I hardly ever get sick, but when I do it's strep. (Did you just picture Richard Branson holding a Dos Equis?) 

Let's start with Friday's bomb shall we? Scene: A roomful of non-suspecting employees that think they are going to have an innocent little team meeting. Ha. Dummies. Enter the Boss, The Big Boss and the HR lady. Um.......WTF?!?!?! Now in all seriousness people my heart dropped to my stomach at this very moment. I knew this was not gonna be good news. And it wasn't. You know that new job that I JUST FUCKING STARTED 7 MONTHS AGO? Well.......it is going to be ending at the end of this year. Now I knew that my time with this company was likely temporary as my employment was a result of a 5 year contract to provide services for a "client". But I thought I had at least 5 years. We did get the  "It is not a reflection of your abilities or performance" speech. Damn right. I worked in the department for 4 years (3 of them with the previous operating company) and I have NEVER saw the place operating with such efficiency. It is amazing how well things can be done when D-R-A-M-A isn't running shit. 

So yep, that happened. I am back again on the hunt for new employment. I was looking through a listing of my old posts before starting to write this one and ran across one I never posted titled "Job Hunting Blows". This was my opening paragraph:

"Do you know what is really soul crushing? Submitting your resume to a million places for jobs you know you are qualified to do and not getting even a bite or a nibble on any of them!! Now I will be the first to admit that my job experience is all over the place. I have been a waitress, bartender, office manager in a dental office, and worked with union retirement benefits. Not necessary a clear path to a career in anything. Now I know for certain that I can do just about any job set before me that has even the tiniest bit of training. Too bad these resume screeners do not know that. I keep saying that if I could just get a damn interview that I would be so hired. Have you met me? I have a brilliant personality! :)"

So I get to venture back out into the land of the soul crushed. And I am so damned pissed off about it. And a lot sad. I work with a bunch of really great people and we really all do make a great team. And I like my job.....so much. I am really just pissed and sad for all of us. But it's business right? 

So Friday after work a couple of us went to drown our sorrows together. But you know what happened? We had fun instead. I have never been one to dwell on my problems because well, dwelling doesn't do anything but cause you more heartache. And dwell we did not. We drank, we laughed, we danced, we just had a good time with each other. We closed the mother down. 

At 6:45 Saturday morning I was very rudely awoken by my alarm clock. W.T.H. Oh shit. I have to pick up the kids at grandmas and have Kaleb to his Saturday morning bowling league by 7:30. Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!! Why did I stay out so late? Why did I drink so much? Why does my head feel like it is stuck inside of a gonging bell? OMG. I have to do this. I can't put this off on the grandparents. These are my kids. Let me just say that the bowling alley is on the list of the top worst places to be with a raging hangover. For shizzle. 

Bowling is over pretty early (apparently I am an overachiever since half the other kids didn't show up for the early ass start time). I go home, eat something and snuggle up with my baby girl for what I want to be the rest of the day. But nope. Lilah has a birthday party invite for 2:00. This is her first "kid party" and she is looking so forward to it. And I happen to know that Princess Ariel is making an appearance at the party and how much that she is going to love it. So I muster up the energy to get us ready to go and we go. She had so much fun. The party was really awesome and I really enjoyed watching her play with the other kids and participate in all of the party fun. Pretty early into the start of the party I start to feel really crappy. I chalk it up to hangover hell and just get through it. The party is over and we are driving home. I start to feel worse. Like horrible, not normal hangover shit. I get home and I go down. I have body aches and chills so bad I can't stop shaking. My throat is on fire and my head is pounding. What.the.hell. I am sick. Like sick sick. I was so miserable all night. I woke up Sunday and was worse. Josh and the kids took me to Urgent Care. It was so crowded in the waiting room. I told them to go home and I would call when I was done. Instead they went to McDonalds. Poor Josh. Had he known I was going to be there for 2 hours he might have just went home. He was unsuspecting of the misery that is the McDonalds PlayPlace for parents. You see, he has NEVER been there before. I guess this was his payback for all the times I went there alone. :)

Urgent Care is full of all kinds of people. None of which were as sick as I was. At least that is what I am thinking as I lay there dying while these seemingly healthy people are all getting called before me. So what if you were here first. I AM FUCKING DYING!!!!! When I finally get called I get my 2 minutes with the Dr. and sure as shit I have strep. I have had the shit enough times I already knew that though. Just gimme the damn prescription so I can go home. I get some Penicillin. He tells me I can go back to work in 24 hours. So Monday's out. Shucks. I was so wanting to get right back to that place I know I will only be working at for a few more short months. Maybe having strep isn't so bad. 

But now it is Monday. I didn't go to work. I was feeling better. No body aches, no headaches. But my throat still hurts like a bitch and there is some serious puss oozing out of my tonsils. Kaleb has been complaining of a sore throat and headache since last night. Take him to the Dr. today and sure as shit he has strep. We must have caught it early because you can't tell by looking at him that he is sick at all. Well at least we got him some meds too and he can go back to school on Weds. Josh is on vacation starting tomorrow so I don't have a good reason to stay home from work again. Damn it. 

Queen Pin

Yesterday a grown woman, a mother, was smack talking my Lilah. She is the mother of another little girl that bowls in the same league as Lilah. This is a bumper league that consists of 3-5 year old children. They bowl one game and it is not at all competitive. I look it at as a fun way for her to participate in a little group activity with other kids her age, learn something and gain some confidence.

I take the run and drop the ball approach since she is not strong enough to throw the ball on her own. 80% of the kids in the league do it this way. The parents cheer and the kids get excited if they knock down some pins. It's a good time. 

Yesterday we were having a problem getting the ball down the lane. We were on about the 4th time of them having to go retrieve the ball for us so she could try again and were only on the 4th or 5th frame. This is a common occurrence with kids this age.  I was getting frustrated and feeling bad that we were taking so long. I turned around to give out a 'sorry you guys' look to all of the other parents when I see this bitch running her mouth and glaring us down. Um....what?!?!? I can't hear what she is saying but I know she is saying it about us. We finally get the frame finished and my friend Sandy whose son bowls on the same team as Lilah comes up to me and tells me that she was saying very loudly that kids who are not ready to bowl shouldn't be bowling and talking about how late it was getting and that she had shit to do. WTF. I am seriously ready to slap this bitch. Since we had taken so long it was Lilah's turn again on the other lane. Damn it. I didn't want to have a repeat of the last frame so I gave the ball a little push to make sure it made it to the pins. While we were finishing the frame my blood was boiling. I was trying to decide what to say to this woman as to not cause a scene with all of these kids around. I pretty much decided, f it. Not gonna say anything. She is just a white trash bitch. However....when I turn around Sandy was having a bit of a confrontation with her. So I went over. She was in full denial...."I didn't say anything. All I said was that is was noon already". Lying skank. Sandy told her that she was talking about a 3 year old child loudly and that if she could hear it so could the other kids and that she was setting a shitty example. I put my 2 cents in and said something like "Sorry my kid isn't a bowling genius like yours" or something stupid like that. Why do I always come up with the awesome comebacks when it is too late? Long story short, she shut up. She had been called out for her bad behavior and hopefully she was feeling like a total asshole. Who does that? A 3 year old. A freaking 3 year old. Her daughter on the league is also 3 by the way. I wonder what she would have done if someone did the same to her daughter?

Later when I thanked Sandy for standing up for Lilah she said something that I loved. She teaches her kids that we should not tolerate mean people and that standing up for others is just as important as standing up for ourselves. This is a great lesson for our children and it is too bad that all parents don't practice this teaching. This lady was teaching her kids the exact opposite. 

And how on earth could you be mad at this face?????

And by the way....later in the game her daughter threw her ball and got it stuck between the bumper and the gutter. I couldn't help but smirk. :) 

Tomorrow?

I just spent 20 minutes on two really boring paragraphs. Then I spent 10 seconds deleting them. It has been 2 1/2 months since I wrote. You would think I would have something interesting to say. All day long I think of things I want to write about, things that I think are entertaining or funny. But right now I ain't got shit. I think my brain is tired. I know the rest of me is. Maybe tomorrow.

I took this picture tonight. Lilah and I had been playing in her room when Bubba decided to join in. They are so crazy. I love them more than words. And yes...that is a Christmas tree...on January 24th. I know.

I Need Therapy

Oh blog how I have missed you so! So many times I had brilliant ideas to turn into funny, interesting or just plain sweet things about life I wanted to share. So many times I collapsed into my bed at 7:30 and never made it happen. It is cold and not very snugly in that desk chair. My bed is warm and has a sweet little 2 year old in it to snuggle. My sweet little 2 year old I only see a few short hours a day. WWYD???

So tonight I am making it happen. In bed while laying down holding the iPad with my left hand and typing with one finger on my right while soaking up the heat and sweet smell of my freshly bathed princess. I have really just felt like I needed some writing therapy. It is like having a good cry without all of the tears and sobbing and shit. And much more effective than making a FB status update. Way too many people use FB as therapy these days and I have to say that I find it equally entertaining and completely annoying. So many times I just want to tell people to shut.the.fuck.up. And that would be rude. And I am never rude! ;) The election was enough to take me over the edge. So many times I typed snide or smartass comments to self righteous, ignoramus all around dumbfuckery only to chicken out and delete them. I didn't have the time or energy to get into what would surely turn into a debate of wits. My wits are pretty slow these days. Can people just own a set of beliefs without shoving them down your throat repeatedly with a bunch of photoshop and pic art propaganda? Must they belittle every opinion out there that does not match their own? Can people not have civilized debates backed by factual information? I was so looking forward to election day so that it could all finally be over. Nope. Same obnoxiousness. Much gloating. Lots of Bitter Bettie's.

I miss home. I feel like I am never in it. Just a big adjustment that even almost 2 months into I am having a hard time with. Place is a wreck!! Makes it worse to be gone all day and come home to tornado, whining hungry kid town. We are especially out of sorts because we just had our downstairs floors refinished. We are also repainting our kitchen cabinets. We have no furniture until Friday when the new stuff is delivered and my kitchen is emptied. We are living on fast food and hanging in the cold dirty ass basement eating off TV trays. I am seriously not complaining though. My floors are gorgeous and it will all be so lovely when it is done and everything is back in it's place. I have been waiting years.....yes years for this. Oh and guess who is getting a dishwasher???? Me me meeeeeee! Get to pick it up on the 20th. No more damned dishpan hands here!

Man typing this with one finger is taking forever. My left hand is going numb from holding the iPad. Enough therapy for one night? I guess. Although it feels unfinished.

Felt good. :)

Hi Ho Hi Ho

So it has been more than a week since I went back to work. All in all it has been good. The kids and I have all gotten into our new routine pretty easily and we haven't had too much drama in the morning. When I worked before I had to be there at 7 am. So I had to get up, get ready, get the kids up and ready and out the door by 6:20 to get them to daycare by 6:30. And then it was a race to work. So stressful. It was chaotic every damn day. Kaleb is the slowest damn kid ever in the morning and the struggle with him and getting his hair combed to my satisfaction was and will probably always be our biggest issue. Not to mention it takes him 20 minutes to just get dressed. So slow! Now I don't have to be there until 8 am and let me tell you that hour makes a HUGE difference!

I didn't mention before but my new job is really kind of my old job. The place I worked before outsourced the work to a new company and the new company hired me. Same building, same department, a lot of the same people. It is strange because I was happy as hell to get out of there and away from the BS and drama and move on with my life. Going back, even though to a new company, new management and new company culture was very nerve wrecking at first. I just felt like there was going to be all of this bad juju floating around. It was crazy awkward the first couple of days but each day has gotten easier and it almost feels as if I never left. I have to say that the new company seems great and seems like they are all about making good changes and being focused on the job at hand. I am happy to be working for them.

I am really freaking exhausted though. Holy shit am I exhausted. Now I didn't forget how busy and tiring it is to work and raise kids and take care of a household and all that BS. It was seriously all I could think about for the last month leading up to my re-entry to the workforce. I was dreading it and now that it is here I am really feeling it. All the busyness will never go away nor will my responsibilities be lightened anytime soon but I will eventually get used to it. I find myself at about 2 in the afternoon, exhausted and bored in training daydreaming of my couch where at that time of the day I was usually relaxing holding my napping baby girl. Damn that was the good life!! :)

I miss my girl so much! She loves her daycare and never wants to leave in the evening when I pick her up. She loves playing with all of the kids and toys and getting to go to the playground every single day. The first day I dropped her off I was expecting some drama but she was so busy checking everything out and talking to the kids she didn't even notice I left. Truth be told it made me a little sad. It also made it easier to walk out of there without the need to bawl my eyes out all of the way to work. I should have known. She is a social butterfly just like her mama! Kaleb is super excited to be back with all of his before and after school buddies too!

I am trying to decide what direction to take this blog in now that my original theme no longer applies. I am thinking that it will just be an anything goes theme and I will just write about whatever I am feeling like writing about. I really just want something that my kids can look back on and read and know what their mama was like when they were little, what they were like and just how much I love them. With every ounce of my being. And that is a lot of ounces folks! ;)

I Wrote This and Didn't Cry :) It's a Miracle

It is almost over. I have 4 days and 3.5 hours until it is Monday and I go back to the world of the working. Sigh. I am excited to go back to work. I am excited about the job I got. I am excited to be working with some great people. I am excited that after months of applying to every job under the sun that someone finally hired me!

I planned on spending this week tying up loose ends, cleaning and organizing my house for sanity's sake and spending lots of quality time with Lilah. Well there is something about knowing that I am about to go back to working mom, slave to the man and everything else I just don't freaking care about all that shit. I did some cleaning and stuff but why waste my last free days cleaning when it will just all be wrecked a day later and have to be done again? I am just going to enjoy my next few days and enjoy my family before all the chaos begins again.

It has been such a great 10 months. The most enjoyable and happy time of my life for so many reasons. The time with my family has been the best part. I got to spend all day every day with my baby girl. I got to see her grow and develop and not miss a single second of it. We have developed such a special relationship that I am not sure we would have if I had never had this opportunity. I love her so much! I got her potty trained too! Bonus. I got to spend the entire summer with Kaleb. We went to the amusement park, water park, plain old park, movies, bowling and just had a great summer together. He is getting so big. Before I know it he won't be interested in doing things like this with mom and I am so happy we got this time now. And I got to be with Josh more. We worked opposite schedules and really only spent any time together on the weekends. We got to be with each other every single day. And we were happy about it!

I took the time to learn some new recipes, made some pretty things, read some books for the first time in years and did a lot of RELAXING!!! That has always been somewhat of a foreign word in my existence as a mother. The time I had off let me realize that you have got to stop and smell the roses even when you are busy as hell because the roses smell GOOD!!!

Hopefully I can slip back into a routine with ease and not let the stress of all being a full time employee, wife and mother get the best of me. I can do this. I actually WANT to do this! Go me.

I leave you with pics of moments that would not have happened if I hadn't been home!

So You Say It's Your Birthday

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday. I was planning on writing all about the ups and downs of aging but decided that I didn't want to depress myself the night before my birthday. :) Instead I am going to focus on the good parts of aging. YES........ there are good parts! For one, I know exactly who I am and no longer feel the pressure of figuring it all out. Yes, I am ever changing and evolving but I don't have the who am I , where am I going in life questions looming over my head. I am a mother and a wife. I am smart and funny and talk too much. I am OCD with my house cleaning but too lazy to keep it the way I want it so I am always frustrated with it's appearance. I like to go out and have fun but not too often and I have realized that I like to drink less and less. I enjoy spending time with friends and family but I hate it when my weekends are booked solid with parties and activities. I enjoy having at least one day on the weekend to spend at home snuggling with my family and being lazy. I am super crafty and enjoy creating beautiful things. I am not nearly generous enough, I am stingy with my money and my time and I hate that I am that way. I am brutally honest and share too much about myself. I can be calm one minute and then lose my shit the next over something stupid. Usually something stupid my kids have done. I have serious anxiety about random absurd things and worry about those things happening to my loved ones all of the time. I can and do strike up conversations with strangers just about everywhere I go. I love to write this blog!!

You get the picture. The second thing that I have noticed about myself as I get older is that I do not give a fat rat's ass what people think about me. I used to spend entirely too much energy worrying about how people felt about me. If they thought I was nice or pretty or cool or whatever. I have now realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know how awesome I am and anyone who doesn't think so can fuck off! :) In all seriousness, who cares if someone thinks I am a bitch or annoying or whatever. They are entitled to their opinion. I guess. 

Okay so maybe that is all the good parts of aging I can think of right now. Maybe that is all there is. I will probably be enlightened more as more years pass. I hope so! 

By the way, I got a job. I start in 2 weeks. I am excited and sad and nervous and all kinds of emotions. Until then I plan on spending as much time as possible having fun with my kids. I am trying to decide if I should change the name of my blog. Maybe Sarah Is a Raging Lunatic or Lifestyles of the Crazy and Lazy or something like that. :) I probably won't write as much (not that I write much now) but I do want to keep it alive. It will probably transition into an outlet to vent my frustrations as a busy working mom. Maybe if I had an outlet like this when I worked before I wouldn't have been such a hot mess!

2 Weeks Later

It has been 2 weeks since I wrote, well rambled. I feel like all of my thoughts since then have been one big thought jumble marathon. Now it's 7 am on a Saturday morning 2 weeks later and I rambling again. I woke up at 5:30. Couldn't sleep. I am supposed to be having the 3rd day of my garage sale today but there is a 50% chance of rain all day and a 100% chance that if it started raining I would throw my hands up in the  air and say "fuck it" and let it rain all over my shit because I am just over it. Garage sale having is for the birds (whatever the hell "for the birds" means. Seriously, who came up with that shit?) I did it all by myself and it was so much work. I had a hand here and there but I mainly did it alone. Josh was working and all my peeps were too. Just me and Sis out there slinging our crap to a bunch of strangers. I have to say it is weird as hell to have people you don't know walking around your driveway fingering your stuff. And my girl is quite the salesgirl! She kept taking her pretty little dresses off the rack and following people around telling them all about it. She was quite the helper! My best customers were the ah hem.... illegal border crossing citizens of our country. I had a ton come and they bought a bunch of toys, baby clothes and my clothes. I appreciated every one of them who wanted my crap but every time they spoke to each other in Spanish I kept thinking that they were saying things like, "She wants $1 for this crap. Bitch is crazy!!!!!" I met a lot of really nice people, a lot of not so friendly people and even one really REALLY weird guy. He was browsing the table and rack of baby girl clothes I had. He was older, and to sum it up looked like Santa Claus with everyday clothes on. I thought maybe he had a granddaughter or something. He asked me if I had any preemie sizes. Um no, my babies were giants. I showed him where the 0-3 months stuff was and he stated they were too big and proceeded to pull out his wallet and show me a laminated photo of a teddy bear in a dress. Um...okay. Then he told me she was 7 years old and 6.75 lbs or something like that. Say what? When he left I started second guessing the photo and thought maybe it was a dog instead but never the less (is that supposed to be one word?) it was bizarre. To each their own I guess. Shudder. Well I made $350 bucks after taking out the $20 I spent on 4 signs. Rip off! (I was too lazy and unorganized to make my own FREE signs). $350 is almost enough to buy a new dishwasher!!!!!!

I have not had a dishwasher for about a year now. No big deal really since I haven't been working. I have time to do the dishes. It doesn't make me hate it any less though! But I am going back to work soon. I need a damn dishwasher. Going back to work.....fuck. I have so many mixed emotions about it. I am excited about working again because I really don't mind the work part. I enjoy contributing to something, to having the social interaction with other adults, the PAYCHECK!!! But I don't enjoy the whole working mom juggling act that comes with it. Taking the little time you have left over in the week to juggle all the other things. And most importantly I KNOW that it takes time away from my kids and Josh and just typing this fucking sentence is making me cry. Sigh. I just need to get over it and get a handle on how to make the best of my time and make the best of how it is going to be again. It is inevitable, it is coming, no matter how much I wish it wasn't. My time off has been a wonderful, life altering experience. But it was a window into the good life and now that the window is shutting it sometimes makes me wish that it never opened and I was still blissfully ignorant that life can be so much better on the other side.

That is if someone hires me! :)  I have had 2 job interviews and have to say that they both went very well. The first place was actually gushing at the end of my interview and the 2nd place had more of a poker face approach but I think I nailed the interview and have the knowledge and the experience they are looking for (and I made sure they know that). So if one of them doesn't hire me my confidence is going to deflate big time!

I am downstairs on the computer and I can hear my babies up there now awake and giggling with daddy. I must go join the bliss!  

4 a.m Ramblings

I can't sleep. I was sleeping. Josh went to a bachelor party tonight. Anytime he is out drinking my body has an internal alarm that goes off about 2 a.m. I am a worrier. He isn't home so I call him. No answer. I wait a few minutes and call again. I am really trying not to be stalker wife but I HAVE to know that all is well. I worry that he tried to drive drunk or was in an accident or who really knows. I just worry. I have to wonder if I get this much anxiety when he is out what I will be like when my kids are teens. Oy. Well as I am calling he stumbles in the front door. Yeah! :) All is well! I am not sure who dropped him off but thank you! He is now resting nicely on the bathroom floor. This is where he likes to sleep when he has had too much to drink. So back to bed I go where Kaleb and Lilah are both sleeping as well. They are both laying sideways, both kicking me repeatedly and both talking in their sleep. I can hear Josh snoring in the bathroom down the hall. Fuck it. Where is my phone? No new news on FB. No new games of Words With Friends. I guess I will read my horoscope. I find it to be very fitting to what is going on in my life right now. It comforts me to know that for some reason. A horoscope comforts me. Lord I need to go back to sleep. Wait. Wasn't that one bill due today? Did I pay it? Better check. It is 4 a.m and I am at the computer. Bill is due the 12th and I have it set up for automatic payment. Damn I'm good. I miss my blog. I haven't written in a while. I will write. Writing is therapeutic. Maybe it will help me relax so I can go back to fucking sleep! I am tired. School starts on Tuesday. The summer went too fast. We should have went to the pool more. The kids love to swim. Did go to Oceans of Fun twice this week. And to the movies, and school shopping and Worlds of Fun. I took some cute pics. I should write a post about the last week of our summer. Maybe Sunday I will. Busy tomorrow. I hate busy weekends but am actually looking forward to tomorrow. Getting my haircut finally. It is a mess. Going to see my friends. Love them bitches. I have a job interview next week. Yes, a job. I love to be home with my kids. Love it. But I love to pay my bills too. So here is to working. I will write soon in more depth about returning to work. Too tired and emotional about it now to write about it. I am thankful for the interview. It is rough out there in the job market people. Don't let those talks on the faux news stations about recovering umemployment fool you. Must get back to sleep. Oh not only am I going back to work but I am starting my own business selling jewelry. Yes I go from no job to 2 jobs. I hope 2 jobs. I hate rejection. I have had 2 phone interviews that never called me back. Not even did I get a fuck you email or anything. OMG it is almost 5 am. Going to bed. Even if I just lay there and wish I was sleeping. This is what 4 a.m  crazy looks like. I got too much sun today. I wish I would have taken a pic of Josh sleeping on the bathroom floor.