It seems like the last few times I wrote I started off talking about how long it has been since I wrote last. This time it has been 9 months. 9 months! A lot has happened in my life in 9 months.
In July we sold our house. We lived in that house for 11 years. We brought both our babies home to that house, experienced every wonderful, hard, terrible and amazing thing that came with parenthood. We spent our wedding night in that house and it was there where we lived out the wonderful, hard, terrible and amazing things that came with marriage. We spent a lot of blood, sweat and tears and MONEY making that house be what we wanted it to be. It was our HOME. Letting it go was difficult. The day we moved and the house was completely empty I spent several minutes walking though it room by room, saying goodbye. I know it was just a house but it held so many memories. I was getting exactly what I wanted by moving but it was bittersweet. We bought a new house in a new town. Not too far but just far enough. The house is beautiful and wonderful and spacious. We can have big family dinners and birthday parties and host holidays. I can be in the kitchen and still be with all of my family because of the open floor plan. I have a pantry to put our food in instead of a shelf in the garage to hold my can goods. It is pretty awesome. It took awhile but it does feel like 'home' now.
On September 13th my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He went into the ER with pain and the next thing you know he had terminal cancer. That day my world was flipped upside down. I have actually attempted to write about it 3 times before this but just couldn't get the words out. How to you put into words that kind of emotion, fear, pain, grief? I was trying to fit what would have taken a million words into 400. Impossible. I couldn't collect my thoughts long enough to string together a paragraph that made any sense. Watching someone you love so much go through something so emotionally and physically painful is fucking horrible. I sat in the oncologist's office with him as he heard his fate. No chance of survival.......we could try chemo but.......30% chance of living for a year........you will be in pain.......you will stop eating.......you will lose weight.....you will die. Those next few weeks were so incredibly rough. The emotional grief he must have had. Mine was overwhelming. He must have been drowning in his. I spent all of the time I could with him. I needed to, I wanted to. I wish I could have done more. At this point just being there for him and doing what I could to make his remaining time as good as I could was all I could do. I felt pretty helpless really. Every time I saw him he was thinner, looked older, was more miserable. That miserable bitch cancer was eating him alive and doing it quickly. I was overcome with sadness, with guilt. All I could think about was how I should have saw him more, called him more, helped him more.
He died on January 17th at about 5 am. He was just 57 years old and just 4 months and 3 days from the day he was diagnosed. I wasn't there. I had been with him the night before until about 9 pm. We knew it would be soon but I never thought it would be that night. If I did I would have stayed all night. I would have held his hand and told him how much I loved him and I would have kissed his face and told him it was okay to let go. I wish I would have been there. I did go to him, tell him goodbye, kiss him, hold his hand, tell him that I loved him, said goodbye. I hope that wherever his spirit is he could hear me.
We had his memorial service the next Saturday. It was a beautiful, sunny and unseasonable warm day. The place was packed with so many people who came to say goodbye and to support us. It was amazing and so heartwarming. He was so very loved and I don't think he really know just how much. It has been 40 days since he has been gone and there has not been one day I haven't shed a tear or 1000 thinking of him. Today my baby sister posted a short video of him on Facebook. Just seeing him and hearing his voice made it feel like day 1 all over again. I miss him so much. It is so surreal to have someone here one minute and gone forever the next. It is just not fair. He is the first person close to me I have lost. It has changed me forever. I will never be the same.
I started a new job on Monday. It is a good change. I liked my other job, the people too. It just didn't feel like the right place for me. This new job, new place feels right. I am thankful for that. Happy for that. It feels good to be happy about something. It feels like a fresh start after so much turmoil and that is so needed so much.
I placed this picture of my dad on my new desk. I get to look over and see his smiling face all day long. It makes me smile. It was taken in October at my house. My sister Rachel was in town from California and we were having an early Thanksgiving. It amazes me to this day how he could be going through what he was going through and able to have this genuine and wonderful smile on his face. I miss you daddy.
In July we sold our house. We lived in that house for 11 years. We brought both our babies home to that house, experienced every wonderful, hard, terrible and amazing thing that came with parenthood. We spent our wedding night in that house and it was there where we lived out the wonderful, hard, terrible and amazing things that came with marriage. We spent a lot of blood, sweat and tears and MONEY making that house be what we wanted it to be. It was our HOME. Letting it go was difficult. The day we moved and the house was completely empty I spent several minutes walking though it room by room, saying goodbye. I know it was just a house but it held so many memories. I was getting exactly what I wanted by moving but it was bittersweet. We bought a new house in a new town. Not too far but just far enough. The house is beautiful and wonderful and spacious. We can have big family dinners and birthday parties and host holidays. I can be in the kitchen and still be with all of my family because of the open floor plan. I have a pantry to put our food in instead of a shelf in the garage to hold my can goods. It is pretty awesome. It took awhile but it does feel like 'home' now.
On September 13th my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He went into the ER with pain and the next thing you know he had terminal cancer. That day my world was flipped upside down. I have actually attempted to write about it 3 times before this but just couldn't get the words out. How to you put into words that kind of emotion, fear, pain, grief? I was trying to fit what would have taken a million words into 400. Impossible. I couldn't collect my thoughts long enough to string together a paragraph that made any sense. Watching someone you love so much go through something so emotionally and physically painful is fucking horrible. I sat in the oncologist's office with him as he heard his fate. No chance of survival.......we could try chemo but.......30% chance of living for a year........you will be in pain.......you will stop eating.......you will lose weight.....you will die. Those next few weeks were so incredibly rough. The emotional grief he must have had. Mine was overwhelming. He must have been drowning in his. I spent all of the time I could with him. I needed to, I wanted to. I wish I could have done more. At this point just being there for him and doing what I could to make his remaining time as good as I could was all I could do. I felt pretty helpless really. Every time I saw him he was thinner, looked older, was more miserable. That miserable bitch cancer was eating him alive and doing it quickly. I was overcome with sadness, with guilt. All I could think about was how I should have saw him more, called him more, helped him more.
He died on January 17th at about 5 am. He was just 57 years old and just 4 months and 3 days from the day he was diagnosed. I wasn't there. I had been with him the night before until about 9 pm. We knew it would be soon but I never thought it would be that night. If I did I would have stayed all night. I would have held his hand and told him how much I loved him and I would have kissed his face and told him it was okay to let go. I wish I would have been there. I did go to him, tell him goodbye, kiss him, hold his hand, tell him that I loved him, said goodbye. I hope that wherever his spirit is he could hear me.
We had his memorial service the next Saturday. It was a beautiful, sunny and unseasonable warm day. The place was packed with so many people who came to say goodbye and to support us. It was amazing and so heartwarming. He was so very loved and I don't think he really know just how much. It has been 40 days since he has been gone and there has not been one day I haven't shed a tear or 1000 thinking of him. Today my baby sister posted a short video of him on Facebook. Just seeing him and hearing his voice made it feel like day 1 all over again. I miss him so much. It is so surreal to have someone here one minute and gone forever the next. It is just not fair. He is the first person close to me I have lost. It has changed me forever. I will never be the same.
I started a new job on Monday. It is a good change. I liked my other job, the people too. It just didn't feel like the right place for me. This new job, new place feels right. I am thankful for that. Happy for that. It feels good to be happy about something. It feels like a fresh start after so much turmoil and that is so needed so much.
I placed this picture of my dad on my new desk. I get to look over and see his smiling face all day long. It makes me smile. It was taken in October at my house. My sister Rachel was in town from California and we were having an early Thanksgiving. It amazes me to this day how he could be going through what he was going through and able to have this genuine and wonderful smile on his face. I miss you daddy.
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