So You Say It's Your Birthday

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday. I was planning on writing all about the ups and downs of aging but decided that I didn't want to depress myself the night before my birthday. :) Instead I am going to focus on the good parts of aging. YES........ there are good parts! For one, I know exactly who I am and no longer feel the pressure of figuring it all out. Yes, I am ever changing and evolving but I don't have the who am I , where am I going in life questions looming over my head. I am a mother and a wife. I am smart and funny and talk too much. I am OCD with my house cleaning but too lazy to keep it the way I want it so I am always frustrated with it's appearance. I like to go out and have fun but not too often and I have realized that I like to drink less and less. I enjoy spending time with friends and family but I hate it when my weekends are booked solid with parties and activities. I enjoy having at least one day on the weekend to spend at home snuggling with my family and being lazy. I am super crafty and enjoy creating beautiful things. I am not nearly generous enough, I am stingy with my money and my time and I hate that I am that way. I am brutally honest and share too much about myself. I can be calm one minute and then lose my shit the next over something stupid. Usually something stupid my kids have done. I have serious anxiety about random absurd things and worry about those things happening to my loved ones all of the time. I can and do strike up conversations with strangers just about everywhere I go. I love to write this blog!!

You get the picture. The second thing that I have noticed about myself as I get older is that I do not give a fat rat's ass what people think about me. I used to spend entirely too much energy worrying about how people felt about me. If they thought I was nice or pretty or cool or whatever. I have now realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know how awesome I am and anyone who doesn't think so can fuck off! :) In all seriousness, who cares if someone thinks I am a bitch or annoying or whatever. They are entitled to their opinion. I guess. 

Okay so maybe that is all the good parts of aging I can think of right now. Maybe that is all there is. I will probably be enlightened more as more years pass. I hope so! 

By the way, I got a job. I start in 2 weeks. I am excited and sad and nervous and all kinds of emotions. Until then I plan on spending as much time as possible having fun with my kids. I am trying to decide if I should change the name of my blog. Maybe Sarah Is a Raging Lunatic or Lifestyles of the Crazy and Lazy or something like that. :) I probably won't write as much (not that I write much now) but I do want to keep it alive. It will probably transition into an outlet to vent my frustrations as a busy working mom. Maybe if I had an outlet like this when I worked before I wouldn't have been such a hot mess!

2 Weeks Later

It has been 2 weeks since I wrote, well rambled. I feel like all of my thoughts since then have been one big thought jumble marathon. Now it's 7 am on a Saturday morning 2 weeks later and I rambling again. I woke up at 5:30. Couldn't sleep. I am supposed to be having the 3rd day of my garage sale today but there is a 50% chance of rain all day and a 100% chance that if it started raining I would throw my hands up in the  air and say "fuck it" and let it rain all over my shit because I am just over it. Garage sale having is for the birds (whatever the hell "for the birds" means. Seriously, who came up with that shit?) I did it all by myself and it was so much work. I had a hand here and there but I mainly did it alone. Josh was working and all my peeps were too. Just me and Sis out there slinging our crap to a bunch of strangers. I have to say it is weird as hell to have people you don't know walking around your driveway fingering your stuff. And my girl is quite the salesgirl! She kept taking her pretty little dresses off the rack and following people around telling them all about it. She was quite the helper! My best customers were the ah hem.... illegal border crossing citizens of our country. I had a ton come and they bought a bunch of toys, baby clothes and my clothes. I appreciated every one of them who wanted my crap but every time they spoke to each other in Spanish I kept thinking that they were saying things like, "She wants $1 for this crap. Bitch is crazy!!!!!" I met a lot of really nice people, a lot of not so friendly people and even one really REALLY weird guy. He was browsing the table and rack of baby girl clothes I had. He was older, and to sum it up looked like Santa Claus with everyday clothes on. I thought maybe he had a granddaughter or something. He asked me if I had any preemie sizes. Um no, my babies were giants. I showed him where the 0-3 months stuff was and he stated they were too big and proceeded to pull out his wallet and show me a laminated photo of a teddy bear in a dress. Um...okay. Then he told me she was 7 years old and 6.75 lbs or something like that. Say what? When he left I started second guessing the photo and thought maybe it was a dog instead but never the less (is that supposed to be one word?) it was bizarre. To each their own I guess. Shudder. Well I made $350 bucks after taking out the $20 I spent on 4 signs. Rip off! (I was too lazy and unorganized to make my own FREE signs). $350 is almost enough to buy a new dishwasher!!!!!!

I have not had a dishwasher for about a year now. No big deal really since I haven't been working. I have time to do the dishes. It doesn't make me hate it any less though! But I am going back to work soon. I need a damn dishwasher. Going back to work.....fuck. I have so many mixed emotions about it. I am excited about working again because I really don't mind the work part. I enjoy contributing to something, to having the social interaction with other adults, the PAYCHECK!!! But I don't enjoy the whole working mom juggling act that comes with it. Taking the little time you have left over in the week to juggle all the other things. And most importantly I KNOW that it takes time away from my kids and Josh and just typing this fucking sentence is making me cry. Sigh. I just need to get over it and get a handle on how to make the best of my time and make the best of how it is going to be again. It is inevitable, it is coming, no matter how much I wish it wasn't. My time off has been a wonderful, life altering experience. But it was a window into the good life and now that the window is shutting it sometimes makes me wish that it never opened and I was still blissfully ignorant that life can be so much better on the other side.

That is if someone hires me! :)  I have had 2 job interviews and have to say that they both went very well. The first place was actually gushing at the end of my interview and the 2nd place had more of a poker face approach but I think I nailed the interview and have the knowledge and the experience they are looking for (and I made sure they know that). So if one of them doesn't hire me my confidence is going to deflate big time!

I am downstairs on the computer and I can hear my babies up there now awake and giggling with daddy. I must go join the bliss!  

4 a.m Ramblings

I can't sleep. I was sleeping. Josh went to a bachelor party tonight. Anytime he is out drinking my body has an internal alarm that goes off about 2 a.m. I am a worrier. He isn't home so I call him. No answer. I wait a few minutes and call again. I am really trying not to be stalker wife but I HAVE to know that all is well. I worry that he tried to drive drunk or was in an accident or who really knows. I just worry. I have to wonder if I get this much anxiety when he is out what I will be like when my kids are teens. Oy. Well as I am calling he stumbles in the front door. Yeah! :) All is well! I am not sure who dropped him off but thank you! He is now resting nicely on the bathroom floor. This is where he likes to sleep when he has had too much to drink. So back to bed I go where Kaleb and Lilah are both sleeping as well. They are both laying sideways, both kicking me repeatedly and both talking in their sleep. I can hear Josh snoring in the bathroom down the hall. Fuck it. Where is my phone? No new news on FB. No new games of Words With Friends. I guess I will read my horoscope. I find it to be very fitting to what is going on in my life right now. It comforts me to know that for some reason. A horoscope comforts me. Lord I need to go back to sleep. Wait. Wasn't that one bill due today? Did I pay it? Better check. It is 4 a.m and I am at the computer. Bill is due the 12th and I have it set up for automatic payment. Damn I'm good. I miss my blog. I haven't written in a while. I will write. Writing is therapeutic. Maybe it will help me relax so I can go back to fucking sleep! I am tired. School starts on Tuesday. The summer went too fast. We should have went to the pool more. The kids love to swim. Did go to Oceans of Fun twice this week. And to the movies, and school shopping and Worlds of Fun. I took some cute pics. I should write a post about the last week of our summer. Maybe Sunday I will. Busy tomorrow. I hate busy weekends but am actually looking forward to tomorrow. Getting my haircut finally. It is a mess. Going to see my friends. Love them bitches. I have a job interview next week. Yes, a job. I love to be home with my kids. Love it. But I love to pay my bills too. So here is to working. I will write soon in more depth about returning to work. Too tired and emotional about it now to write about it. I am thankful for the interview. It is rough out there in the job market people. Don't let those talks on the faux news stations about recovering umemployment fool you. Must get back to sleep. Oh not only am I going back to work but I am starting my own business selling jewelry. Yes I go from no job to 2 jobs. I hope 2 jobs. I hate rejection. I have had 2 phone interviews that never called me back. Not even did I get a fuck you email or anything. OMG it is almost 5 am. Going to bed. Even if I just lay there and wish I was sleeping. This is what 4 a.m  crazy looks like. I got too much sun today. I wish I would have taken a pic of Josh sleeping on the bathroom floor.