These Days

It seems like the last few times I wrote I started off talking about how long it has been since I wrote last. This time it has been 9 months. 9 months! A lot has happened in my life in 9 months.

In July we sold our house. We lived in that house for 11 years. We brought both our babies home to that house, experienced every wonderful, hard, terrible and amazing thing that came with parenthood. We spent our wedding night in that house and it was there where we lived out the wonderful, hard, terrible and amazing things that came with marriage. We spent a lot of blood, sweat and tears and MONEY making that house be what we wanted it to be. It was our HOME. Letting it go was difficult. The day we moved and the house was completely empty I spent several minutes walking though it room by room, saying goodbye. I know it was just a house but it held so many memories. I was getting exactly what I wanted by moving but it was bittersweet. We bought a new house in a new town. Not too far but just far enough. The house is beautiful and wonderful and spacious. We can have big family dinners and birthday parties and host holidays. I can be in the kitchen and still be with all of my family because of the open floor plan. I have a pantry to put our food in instead of a shelf in the garage to hold my can goods. It is pretty awesome. It took awhile but it does feel like 'home' now.

On September 13th my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He went into the ER with pain and the next thing you know he had terminal cancer. That day my world was flipped upside down. I have actually attempted to write about it 3 times before this but just couldn't get the words out. How to you put into words that kind of emotion, fear, pain, grief? I was trying to fit what would have taken a million words into 400. Impossible. I couldn't collect my thoughts long enough to string together a paragraph that made any sense. Watching someone you love so much go through something so emotionally and physically painful is fucking horrible. I sat in the oncologist's office with him as he heard his fate. No chance of survival.......we could try chemo but.......30% chance of living for a year........you will be in pain.......you will stop eating.......you will lose weight.....you will die. Those next few weeks were so incredibly rough. The emotional grief he must have had. Mine was overwhelming. He must have been drowning in his. I spent all of the time I could with him. I needed to, I wanted to. I wish I could have done more. At this point just being there for him and doing what I could to make his remaining time as good as I could was all I could do. I felt pretty helpless really. Every time I saw him he was thinner, looked older, was more miserable. That miserable bitch cancer was eating him alive and doing it quickly. I was overcome with sadness, with guilt. All I could think about was how I should have saw him more, called him more, helped him more.

He died on January 17th at about 5 am. He was just 57 years old and just 4 months and 3 days from the day he was diagnosed.  I wasn't there. I had been with him the night before until about 9 pm. We knew it would be soon but I never thought it would be that night. If I did I would have stayed all night. I would have held his hand and told him how much I loved him and I would have kissed his face and told him it was okay to let go. I wish I would have been there. I did go to him, tell him goodbye, kiss him, hold his hand, tell him that I loved him, said goodbye.  I hope that wherever his spirit is he could hear me.

We had his memorial service the next Saturday. It was a beautiful, sunny and unseasonable warm day. The place was packed with so many people who came to say goodbye and to support us. It was amazing and so heartwarming. He was so very loved and I don't think he really know just how much. It has been 40 days since he has been gone and there has not been one day I haven't shed a tear or 1000 thinking of him. Today my baby sister posted a short video of him on Facebook. Just seeing him and hearing his voice made it feel like day 1 all over again. I miss him so much. It is so surreal to have someone here one minute and gone forever the next. It is just not fair. He is the first person close to me I have lost. It has changed me forever. I will never be the same.

I started a new job on Monday. It is a good change. I liked my other job, the people too. It just didn't feel like the right place for me. This new job, new place feels right. I am thankful for that. Happy for that. It feels good to be happy about something. It feels like a fresh start after so much turmoil and that is so needed so much.

I placed this picture of my dad on my new desk. I get to look over and see his smiling face all day long. It makes me smile. It was taken in October at my house. My sister Rachel was in town from California and we were having an early Thanksgiving. It amazes me to this day how he could be going through what he was going through and able to have this genuine and wonderful smile on his face. I miss you daddy.

 

Hallaluyer!

Hello there! Good lord it has been like 5 months since this blog has seen any action.  But I think about it everyday like one might think about a person they miss or that cheeseburger they have deprived themselves of for months. I love this blog.....not only because I seriously just enjoy getting my thoughts out but I love to go back and read what I wrote those months or years ago. It really gives me perspective on how things change. When living daily life most changes are gradual and not necessarily noticed. And the time just flies by. There is nothing like going back and reading something that felt like it was a few months ago and seeing the date I wrote it and realizing it was much longer and how much things really change without you even noticing.

For example.....I have been at my job for a year now. Seems more like 6 months. I have never worked harder, never worked longer or been more challenged. Or dedicated. Or confident. Or care so much about where my career is going and thought about what my next step will be. Heads up folks....this is what happens when you have great management. Weird right? When you get treated with compassion, trust, and know that you are valued... you care. You want to be a bad ass bitch at your job. I have spoken of my previous employment woes. Quite a rollercoaster I have been on. But there is so much light in my tunnel. Sure the first few months were a little overwhelming but things are going well and I feel very positive about my future.....and it feels really great. Things have changed.

Kaleb is officially a 5th grader and Lilah is in Pre-K. What the hell? They are growing up and I am getting older. Boo to both. They are still the best little munchkins ever, cute as hell and both growing more and more into their personalities. I super puffy heart love them. Even when they are rotten little punks.

We are selling our house and movin on up!! That is exciting and scary and a lot of damn work! Our real estate agent is coming over tomorrow at 5 and my house is a wreck. Was going to clean it tonight but......she will see the potential under the mess right? I had a sicky kid today and I worked from home. There is nothing like sitting on your couch for 10 hours straight on limited sleep that makes you really lazy. I didn't even make dinner. We had Wendys. And I went to get it in pajama pants and a tank top with no bra. I have not combed my hair today either. Yikes.  I was a damn mess. Hey...I didn't have to get out of the car.

It is already 10:30....I need to go to bed. 5 am comes too early and I need my beauty rest. All that I can get. I promised myself I am going to write more...I always say that don't I? Well school is out and we have NO summer activities. Hallaluyer!!! I should have some time and sanity to spare.

Be Careful What You Wish For

Yesterday I got up at 5 am-ish and took a shower. I found something in my closet to wear to work. I really need some new work clothes. I don't have many warm sweaters and no shoes suitable for this shit weather we are having. Not to mention I have been wearing the same clothes over and over since I started my job last May. I need some new clothes. I blew dry my hair and put on some make-up. It is already 6:20. I need to get the kids up and ready. Kaleb gets himself ready now. He just needs some coaxing. He is soooooooo slow. I usually have Lilah dressed and her hair done and he will come walking in half dressed to go to the bathroom. How long does it take to put on a pair of jeans and a shirt? Well, it takes him 20 minutes. I think he sits on his bed in sleepy haze. He never gets out of his bed to get dressed. He prefers to get undressed and then dressed while in a sitting/laying position. No matter how many times I tell him it will be faster if he stands up he never stands up. I get breakfast served, lunches made, coffee made, kids bundled up and out the door by 7:00. I would like to be at work by 7:30 so I can get off by 4:00 but never happens. Everyday I underestimate the time it takes to get out the door. I never get up earlier of do things differently. My work schedule is flexible and I think because of that there is no fire burning under my ass to move any quicker. It is nice though. No rushing around, no yelling at the kids because we are running late and they are taking too long or Lilah can't make up her mind what she is taking for show and tell. In my prior job there was no wiggle room in my start time. Mornings around here were much more chaotic. I was yelling a lot and usually feeling like a horrible mom and a nervous mess. Mornings are better now, so much better.

I drive the kids to daycare, get Lilah's coat off and hung, take the kids to the drop off class, chat with the teacher, give lots of kisses and hugs and off I go. I always have to drive by the window on my way out of the parking lot and stop to roll down my window, turn on the inside light and wave to Lilah. She waves and smiles and blows me kisses. I keep those kisses in my pocket for later. They help get me through my day. I then drive off to work. It is about a 20 minute drive with the traffic. Not too bad really. Sometimes traffic is bad. Most of the time it isn't. I get to work, and park in the parking garage. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have to walk 5 minutes from my car to the door of my building. It isn't bad except when we have extreme weather. Do you know how thin dress pants are? Yikes. I really need to invest in a good, longer coat. This $15 jobber from KMart I have is just not doing the job. I get to my desk and my work day begins. I am busy, always really busy. I like to be busy. Most of the time though I feel like I have so much to do that I can't ever get caught up or get ahead of things or focus on things I need to do outside my daily scope of work. It can be a little frustrating. It makes me feel panicky. Like my messy house makes me feel panicky. Like when my house is super low on groceries makes me feel panicky. Like when I have a list of to do's longer than me and I know I will never get it all done makes me feel panicky. I am just a panicky person. Full of anxiety all of the time. It is 4:15 all of a sudden and I have to get out of there. Lilah has to be at dance at 5:30. By the time I get out of there and to my car it is 4:30. I get to daycare around 4:50. I corral the kids get them in the car, and we chat all of the way home about what they did at school that day, how hungry they are, what we have going on that evening. It only takes a few minutes to get home. Had we made it home yesterday I would have rushed Lilah into her dance wear, drove her to dance, ran to Walmart to pick up groceries, go back to dance to pick up Lilah, go home and put away groceries, made something for dinner, cleaned up the mess, do a load of laundry and put the kids to bed. I would have went to bed when they did. I don't even care about having some time to myself. I am just exhausted from my day.

But we didn't make it home. After picking up the kids from daycare and about a half mile from home we got in a car accident. Anyone reading this probably already knows this and saw the pictures on FB. It sucks. It was the first accident my kids were ever in and I hate that they can know say they were in an accident. It wasn't my fault but that doesn't make me feel any less guilty. Kaleb handled it well but I know he was scared. Lilah cried and cried and cried. She was checked out by a fireman (a strange man to her) and was asked a bunch of questions about if she hurt anywhere and how old she was and what her name was. It was scary for her. I couldn't get her out of her carseat. I couldn't hold her. I could only tell her it was going to be okay. I couldn't stay by her side either. I had to deal with the police and the other driver. I called Josh. He got there fast. He got the kids out of my car and put them in his warm truck. It was cold! My toes were freezing! My car is really messed up. The other driver was in a Cadillac. He was able to drive away. I had to get towed. The front end is all smashed up and the doors will barely open. Makes me think it is all bent up underneath since the doors were not really involved. We took everything out just in case. I had so much crap in my car!! Toys and blankets and shoes and worksheets and gloves and scarves and books and so much other random stuff. I am anxious to see what my insurance adjuster says. I really hope that my insurance doesn't have to pay anything since it wasn't my fault. Wish me luck!

Moral of this story you ask? Wear your seatbelts, don't be a dumbass and please properly restrain your kids. I did those things..... if I hadn't this story might have been a lot more tragic. For a few minutes last night all four of us cuddled up together on the couch silently appreciating that we were all okay. I spend most of my days moving from one responsibility to the next. I often am guilty of dreading things I have to do or whining about how busy I am and how I just want some time to relax. Well, I am relaxing today. Be careful what you wish for. ;)