Be Careful What You Wish For

Yesterday I got up at 5 am-ish and took a shower. I found something in my closet to wear to work. I really need some new work clothes. I don't have many warm sweaters and no shoes suitable for this shit weather we are having. Not to mention I have been wearing the same clothes over and over since I started my job last May. I need some new clothes. I blew dry my hair and put on some make-up. It is already 6:20. I need to get the kids up and ready. Kaleb gets himself ready now. He just needs some coaxing. He is soooooooo slow. I usually have Lilah dressed and her hair done and he will come walking in half dressed to go to the bathroom. How long does it take to put on a pair of jeans and a shirt? Well, it takes him 20 minutes. I think he sits on his bed in sleepy haze. He never gets out of his bed to get dressed. He prefers to get undressed and then dressed while in a sitting/laying position. No matter how many times I tell him it will be faster if he stands up he never stands up. I get breakfast served, lunches made, coffee made, kids bundled up and out the door by 7:00. I would like to be at work by 7:30 so I can get off by 4:00 but never happens. Everyday I underestimate the time it takes to get out the door. I never get up earlier of do things differently. My work schedule is flexible and I think because of that there is no fire burning under my ass to move any quicker. It is nice though. No rushing around, no yelling at the kids because we are running late and they are taking too long or Lilah can't make up her mind what she is taking for show and tell. In my prior job there was no wiggle room in my start time. Mornings around here were much more chaotic. I was yelling a lot and usually feeling like a horrible mom and a nervous mess. Mornings are better now, so much better.

I drive the kids to daycare, get Lilah's coat off and hung, take the kids to the drop off class, chat with the teacher, give lots of kisses and hugs and off I go. I always have to drive by the window on my way out of the parking lot and stop to roll down my window, turn on the inside light and wave to Lilah. She waves and smiles and blows me kisses. I keep those kisses in my pocket for later. They help get me through my day. I then drive off to work. It is about a 20 minute drive with the traffic. Not too bad really. Sometimes traffic is bad. Most of the time it isn't. I get to work, and park in the parking garage. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have to walk 5 minutes from my car to the door of my building. It isn't bad except when we have extreme weather. Do you know how thin dress pants are? Yikes. I really need to invest in a good, longer coat. This $15 jobber from KMart I have is just not doing the job. I get to my desk and my work day begins. I am busy, always really busy. I like to be busy. Most of the time though I feel like I have so much to do that I can't ever get caught up or get ahead of things or focus on things I need to do outside my daily scope of work. It can be a little frustrating. It makes me feel panicky. Like my messy house makes me feel panicky. Like when my house is super low on groceries makes me feel panicky. Like when I have a list of to do's longer than me and I know I will never get it all done makes me feel panicky. I am just a panicky person. Full of anxiety all of the time. It is 4:15 all of a sudden and I have to get out of there. Lilah has to be at dance at 5:30. By the time I get out of there and to my car it is 4:30. I get to daycare around 4:50. I corral the kids get them in the car, and we chat all of the way home about what they did at school that day, how hungry they are, what we have going on that evening. It only takes a few minutes to get home. Had we made it home yesterday I would have rushed Lilah into her dance wear, drove her to dance, ran to Walmart to pick up groceries, go back to dance to pick up Lilah, go home and put away groceries, made something for dinner, cleaned up the mess, do a load of laundry and put the kids to bed. I would have went to bed when they did. I don't even care about having some time to myself. I am just exhausted from my day.

But we didn't make it home. After picking up the kids from daycare and about a half mile from home we got in a car accident. Anyone reading this probably already knows this and saw the pictures on FB. It sucks. It was the first accident my kids were ever in and I hate that they can know say they were in an accident. It wasn't my fault but that doesn't make me feel any less guilty. Kaleb handled it well but I know he was scared. Lilah cried and cried and cried. She was checked out by a fireman (a strange man to her) and was asked a bunch of questions about if she hurt anywhere and how old she was and what her name was. It was scary for her. I couldn't get her out of her carseat. I couldn't hold her. I could only tell her it was going to be okay. I couldn't stay by her side either. I had to deal with the police and the other driver. I called Josh. He got there fast. He got the kids out of my car and put them in his warm truck. It was cold! My toes were freezing! My car is really messed up. The other driver was in a Cadillac. He was able to drive away. I had to get towed. The front end is all smashed up and the doors will barely open. Makes me think it is all bent up underneath since the doors were not really involved. We took everything out just in case. I had so much crap in my car!! Toys and blankets and shoes and worksheets and gloves and scarves and books and so much other random stuff. I am anxious to see what my insurance adjuster says. I really hope that my insurance doesn't have to pay anything since it wasn't my fault. Wish me luck!

Moral of this story you ask? Wear your seatbelts, don't be a dumbass and please properly restrain your kids. I did those things..... if I hadn't this story might have been a lot more tragic. For a few minutes last night all four of us cuddled up together on the couch silently appreciating that we were all okay. I spend most of my days moving from one responsibility to the next. I often am guilty of dreading things I have to do or whining about how busy I am and how I just want some time to relax. Well, I am relaxing today. Be careful what you wish for. ;)

 

It's Alarming

It is early Saturday morning. I was woken by an alarm set on Josh's work phone. It is one of those Nextel type ones and looks like it is straight out of 1999. It has a tiny little screen and a bunch of buttons. I haven't operated a phone like this in years. He doesn't hear the alarm. I had to pick him up at 1:45 am.... he was walking home from the bar. His ride wasn't ready to go but apparently he was. He wasn't wearing a coat, or gloves or nothing. Just a hoodie. When he got in the car he said only his hands were cold. I wonder if Eskimos drank a lot? Alcohol does have a nice warming effect. Anyways....back to this damn alarm. I get out of bed, walk over to his side and grab the phone. By the time I pick it up the alarm has stopped. I put it back down and go back to bed. 5 minutes later the damn alarm goes off again. Seriously? I get up, grab the phone and take it back to my side trying to figure out how to turn the fucking thing off. Who sets an alarm for 6:30 am on a Saturday? It stops again. Whatever. I put it down next on my table and try to go back to sleep. Guess what happens.

Alarm. Again. This time I am just going to turn the phone off. There are so many buttons. It is dark and I am half asleep. I am trying to access those long ago memories in my brain about how to work this pre-historic like phone. There is a red button on the side. This must be it. Nope. Shit. I have just called someone. Not ring ring ring call but beep beep, someone is on the other end and talking to me through the speaker. Shit. I don't know how to talk back to tell him that I am an idiot and sorry I called you at 6:30 in the morning. As I panic trying to turn this damn phone off this co-worker of Josh's keeps saying..."Go ahead". Jesus I hope he was out working and not sleeping. I finally find the button with the picture of the red phone receiver. Ding ding ding. I push the button, get the phone off and lay back down. (I by that point was in the bathroom with the light on so I could see). I am not sure I am even tired anymore. I lay there anyway and cuddle with Lilah. She slept in her bed all night on Wednesday. It was her idea. I was super proud. I haven't pushed the sleeping in her own bed because honestly, I like her in my bed. Like I mentioned in my last post, she is growing up way too quickly and once its over, its over. It was hard for me to just be a cheerleader about it and not tell her how much I missed her snuggles. If I said that she would feel guilty and keep sleeping with me. I know her. She wouldn't want me to be sad. On Thursday she was determined to sleep in there again. Started off good, got her all tucked in, she picked several snuggle bunnies to sleep with her. I turned on Disney Jr. and left her lamp on. About 5 minutes in she needed to pee, needed a drink and then just like that was scared of her room. Is it wrong that I was a tiny bit happy she wanted to get in our bed? I can see all of you Nazi parents out there shaking your heads at my lax parenting techniques. It seems lately with the total domination of the internet there are so many opinions out there. Everyone thinks they know what is the best way to raise your kids. You raise your kids and I'll raise mine. If she is 10 and still in my bed that is my business. Go fuck yourself. (Man I am a bit vulgar this early sleep deprived morning. I recently heard from someone that never curses that people who do curse only do so because they are not intelligent enough to use real words. Bullshit.) So anyways,  I am in snuggle mode with my sleeping beauty and guess what happens? That fucking alarm goes off again. I thought the stupid phone was off. Whatever I did to it this time finally killed the alarm because it hasn't gone off since. I gave up on sleeping. I got up, made some coffee and am now sitting on the couch with my laptop enjoying the quiet and peace of a sleeping house. We have to be at the bowling alley in an hour. I need to get everybody up, ready and fed and out the door. I don't wanna!!!

 

6 Months....Really?!?!

Hello there! It has been more than 6 months since I have posted on this blog. I have written about 100 stories in my head, usually while driving home from work. Why is it that when I am alone driving in my car is when my best ideas come to life? I figure it is because I am ALONE! The only time I am alone is in my car driving to work and driving home. I usually have the radio blasting listening to anything but the pop stations my kids love. I don't hate it but it is just nice to listen to something else for a change. Although I think it is the cutest thing listen to Lilah butcher the words to her favorite songs.

It is Saturday morning. Usually by this time we are at bowling, Kaleb bowls in a kids Saturday morning league. He is pretty good and getting better every week. Today was supposed to be awards and cosmic bowling but he has been with grandma since Thursday night and is having a good time and wasn't ready to come home yet. The new season starts next Saturday. No break! Seriously? So when he said he didn't care if he missed today I was totally ok with it. I never get to just hang out on Saturday mornings in my jammies. Josh is still sleeping and Lilah is playing with all her Christmas presents and watching Enchanted at my feet. She doesn't like to be very far away from me when we are home. It is sweet and after seeing my Kaleb grow up so fast I know that as irritating as having a child be your shadow that it is so sad when that time they think you are their everything is over. Kaleb is 10 and he will no longer kiss me on the lips and gives me the head first hug as not to get to close to him. He is busy with learning and exerting his independence. He is so smart and handsome and I can see him and changing and maturing right before my eyes. It is amazing and heartbreaking at the same time. No way can my sweet little baby boy be growing up so fast!

And Lilah. I am so in love with her. Her sweetness and beauty just crushes me. Her love is so sincere and so intense. She is not afraid to express her feelings. She makes me so happy and everyone else around her so happy. I wish she could stay 3 forever.

This year like the last few flew by. It is true what they say about time flying. Time seems to be a short commodity in my life right now. It is the working mothers plight. Never enough time. I work, I commute, I corral my children to their many activities, I try in vain most times to keep my home in good working order. I wish I could quit caring about the state of my house. But I can't. It drives me batshit crazy. It is a perpetual disaster, always seems to be low on groceries and there are piles upon piles of laundry that need done at all times. Who needs clean towels? Who wants Taco Bell for dinner? Here...use a paper plate. I, on many occasions try to plan and organize my life to run more efficiently. It is always in good faith that I do this. In my head I am a machine. A person capable of doing it all and doing it well. In reality I am a machine....just one that is usually a bit short on oil and gas and in desperate need of  tune up. I amaze myself sometimes at the amount of shit I am able to get done. And that my sanity is still mostly intact at the end of everyday. But I am also my own worst critic. My house needs to be cleaner, my kids need to eat better, I need to lose weight, my hair needs colored, I need to quit biting my nails and get some better clothes. I could save so much money if I would just go the store and find some time to cook on that one night in the week I am not carting my kids to basketball, dance and karate........blah blah blah. My inner self is always fighting with itself. "You need to get it together"....."Bitch re-laaaax!". I am really hoping to find a happy medium soon! :)

As the year come to a close I have been thinking about what a great year it has been. My family has been happy and healthy, I got a new awesome job and FINALLY have permanently cut ties with the company that caused me so much misery. We got to go on a real family vacation to 2 places I didn't think we would ever afford to go to, Disneyworld and the beach. I am really pissed at myself for not taking the time to write about our trip after we got home. It was a great vacation and a huge event in our family. Maybe I should still write about it before it becomes just a distant memory. We have the photos but how nice would it be for us to be able to go back years from now and hear the little details in my voice. I think about this blog and how years from now we can all go back and read it and remember things about our life that we might have forgotten. For my kids to know how I felt and get a glimpse of who I was when I was younger. It really is just a great way to document our life together.

So of course because I am neurotic I have a million resolutions for the 2014. Most of them are the same ones I have every year but in summary they are all the same....just to keep improving and growing and doing things a little bit better. And to write more!!! Once in 6 months is just not acceptable. See you in 2014!!!! To it being a fabulous year for all! Cheers!